Bizarre Christmas Incident

Original Artist: Ben Folds

(Ho ho ho!)
(Uh! Play it Grandpa!)
(Yeah, play it)
(Let's tell 'em a little story about what happened this Christmas)
(Yeah! Tell 'em! Tell 'em about Christmas!)

Christmas Eve
I didn't get no sleep
I kept hearing things
Heavy breathin' from the chimney
Who could it be?

(What happened then, Ben?)
(Yeah, what happened?)
Well, I went back to sleep
(Back to sleep? Sh*t!)
I was tired. I went back to sleep

And in the mornin'
I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpse with a long white beard was danglin' over the fire

Oh Santa, he's a big fat f*ck
Went down the chimney, got his fat ass stuck
Woah honey, call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass
Hey hey hey!
(Hey!)
Woah woah woah

(OK Grandpa, step up)
(Sing in this thing right here)
(Tell them what you saw, tell them what you saw grandpa)

I gotta tell you folks
He wasn't wearing no clothes
(No clothes?)
He must have rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco
From his back down to his toes

But I was talking to the cops outside
The dog was licking Crisco off of his thighs
Them hauled him away in a double-wide
What a sad, sad way to die

Hey hey hey!

Oh Santa, he's a big fat f*ck
Went down the chimney, got his fat ass stuck
Oh honey, call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass

Stats:

10 known live performances.
First performed: 2001-11-26 - The Ritz, Raleigh, NC, USA.
Most recently performed: 2006-11-19 - Hammerstein Ballroom, New York, NY, US.